Be nice to yo’self

This morning I felt incredibly guilty. This pandemic is really starting to weigh on everyone, this last lockdown feels never ending and it’s all rather lonely.

My guilt came from feeling like I was doing things I shouldn’t, I felt like I should be able to cope with life, I’m on maternity leave so I should be enjoying my time off, right?

Well, this morning was another one of ‘those days’, there was no real reason for me to be feeling low. I’d slept, – which is all I can ask for with a three month old – the house was in a reasonable state and everyone was feeling ok. (I had an aches back but that’s not anything new.) Still, I woke up and didn’t want to do anything, get dressed, leave the house, school work, cooking, tidying, I was having none of it.

So, I didn’t take my 4 year old to nursery and I didn’t wake my 9 year old for her school meeting. Instead we stayed in bed until the baby needed to get up, then we didn’t get dressed, we lounged around. I got dressed, & did a few light jobs as I moved around the rooms. Eventually, I got the girls to get dressed and do some school work but in a very relaxed way.

I’m sitting here reflecting on my morning and thinking about why on earth I was being so hard on myself, feeling like I was failing my kids & my husband because I wasn’t doing what I was ‘supposed’ to be doing – taking one child to nursery and doing a full day of school with the other, whilst also looking after the baby and doing all the house jobs I want done.

In reality, I’m up and dressed, so are my three kids. I’ve done reading and cutting activities with one child and maths with another. We’ve had breakfast and lunch, I’ve put some washing away and new washing in, put the bins out, unloaded & reloaded the dishwasher, played Minecraft with the children & looked after my baby. I feel like this is quite a successful day. Tomorrow is a new day and I can try again to do those things I’m ‘supposed’ to, but for now I’m content cuddling my baby and watching the snow fall and not settle.

The moral is we could all be a little kinder to ourselves sometimes.

Does depressed breed depressed?

Something I’ve been musing about for a while really.

And now is a time when it is much easier to research and find out about because of mental health being a much more widely looked at and understood thing.

My mother was first diagnosed with depression as post natal depression after she had children. It then ‘went away’ and it wasn’t until much later in life she was considered for anti-depressants again.

I too was diagnosed with post natal depression after my first child and chose to stop breastfeeding (after a breakdown in the Drs about how I would be letting everyone down if I stopped, because it was best for my daughter even though I hated it) so that I could start antidepressants. However, when I look back on my life now I feel like my depression started much earlier than this. It just wasn’t really picked up on, maybe because my parents didn’t know much about it, maybe because I didn’t know anything about it, maybe because I hid it well at school/ university. But as I – and a lot more adults now – are so much more aware of our own mental health we are also more capable of viewing our children’s mental health.

I sometimes think that I actually overthink my daughters mental health issues, which as her mother would not be a surprise, but and it’s a big BUT, I have found it best to discuss it with the school or the dr or friends, no matter how little my concern may be it doesn’t hurt to discuss it and see if it is in fact a larger concern that needs addressing and the more people on board to support our children the better.

My daughter is a lot like me, at school she comes across as a completely happy, confident and content child, not in the need of any extra mental support, at home on the other hand, she shows lots of depressive traits, she’s early hormonal, sensitive, angry and a lot of the time confused by it all because she is still a child. Her school wouldn’t know anything about this side of her if I didn’t speak to them, and because they do her teacher is aware and supportive and her school offer her pastoral care, a safe space to talk if needed. She might not ever choose to share in that safe space but she enjoys the mental support it gives.

“Scientists have for the first time established a genetic cause for depression narrowing it down to a specific chromosome,” reported The Independent . It said that the study has found “clear evidence” that a region on chromosome 3 (called 3p25-26) is linked to severe recurrent depression. – Analysis by Bazian,
Edited by NHS Website, 2011

Just a small excerpt from the billions of online research you could spend hours trawling through. I would say there isn’t 100% a definitive scientific answer, (Contradictory to the above quote.) because depression can be so much to do with environment but definitely in my family at least I see a clear pattern in that we seem more likely to suffer from depression, therefore may all carry some gene that can be passed on. I’m hoping that as life continues and we learn more about mental health we will learn how to catch it and cope with it early. Not to boast but so far I feel like my little family has coped extremely well with a lot of crap that’s been dealt to us, so suffering from mental health issues but being able to cope AND help each other cope is no big thing.

Absolutely Blogging Nothing

It was so tempting to publish this without actually writing anything…

But, I do actually have something to say about nothing.

My first ever blog post was written on the 29/06/2016 over 2 months ago, and the ideas have been pretty steady since then. During that time I’ve been quite busy with it being the summer holidays and having a five year old to entertain. So finding the time to actually write the blogs has been less than easy.  Now, however, my daughter is back to school I am on maternity leave, simply waiting…. and, no ideas.

This I believe is because now I have time to myself, and time to do things I want to do, my mind and body punishes me by drawing a complete blank on inspiration. I’m not doing enough during the day to have any interesting thoughts. 

My maternity leave and extra time has turned me into a thoughtless couch potato, that needs to get off her ass and get some jobs done.

So I’ll leave you with these thoughts and let’s see if I can kick myself into gear in the next week. If life picks up the blog will pick up too!