Post-post-postnatal depression

I kind of thought that with my third baby, when I was already on antidepressants the whole way through and had been for a while, it wouldn’t really be possible to have postnatal depression again. How could I get postnatal depression when I was already being treated for my general depression? This blog explores how having one type of depression doesn’t stop you from then falling to another type of depression on top of that.

After my first pregnancy – 11 years ago now! – I started to realise I had postnatal depression around 3/4 months in, it was nothing to do with the baby, it was just not coping with general life stuff, laundry, washing up, getting dresses – that kind of thing.

Second one, it came pretty quick, I already had depression and continued on medication throughout the pregnancy, however after the birth, not surprisingly I suffered from PTSD and postnatal depression. (Read more about that here.)

This time, I really thought that because I was already controlling the depression and had been for a while I’d just cope. That did not happen.

It was around January time (so only 2 months in) that I started to realise I was not OK. It was a bit difficult to identify because the whole nation was struggling with the pandemic and lockdowns, meaning everyone seemed to be struggling with mental health and I just kept putting all my feelings down to that. But eventually, I started to talk to my husband and mum, my rocks of support and I came to see that I was once again suffering from postnatal depression. It was about the right time and I was just not coping with life, baby, house buying (another blog in itself!), lockdown, kids, husband, washing, leaving the house, it was just all more than I wanted to do.

I’m quite good now at recognising my own signs and knowing when it’s time to get help. I discussed with the Dr and I didn’t really want to go down the route of more medication as my dose is already fairly high, so we decided to go down the route of talk therapy.

Luckily, because I am a woman with a young baby and history of mental health help came pretty quickly. (Which is super great but it deeply saddens me that my husband was referred to the same mental health department as me, before me, and even after chasing several times never got any help – the support and finding just isn’t there for what is deemed “lower priority” and in my eyes the way priority is decided doesn’t add up. Sad times!) I’ve had various support previously, counselling and CBT, but this time I was luck to have some sessions with a lady that I really clicked with and just seemed to help me so well. In six weeks I really felt like she’d equipped me for life, clearly I still had things to work on but I now had tools and ideas of how to get to where I wanted to be. (As I write this I feel a blog in more detail about those tools and ideas might be worth writing?!)

I’ve learned that no matter who you are; how strong you are; your situation; depressed or not; first baby or fifth; previous losses; previous good experiences; previous bad experiences; never rule out postnatal depression. (or any type of new depression along with your current mental health issues.)

Never be ashamed to seek help, talk to your friends honestly and just be you. More people than you could imagine are going through their own stuff behind closed doors, I’m terrible at keeping in contact a lot of the time but my best friends are those few that I can message every now and then when I’m up to it and they treat me the same every time. I will always be that type of friend too. Be there for each other.

Be nice to yo’self

This morning I felt incredibly guilty. This pandemic is really starting to weigh on everyone, this last lockdown feels never ending and it’s all rather lonely.

My guilt came from feeling like I was doing things I shouldn’t, I felt like I should be able to cope with life, I’m on maternity leave so I should be enjoying my time off, right?

Well, this morning was another one of ‘those days’, there was no real reason for me to be feeling low. I’d slept, – which is all I can ask for with a three month old – the house was in a reasonable state and everyone was feeling ok. (I had an aches back but that’s not anything new.) Still, I woke up and didn’t want to do anything, get dressed, leave the house, school work, cooking, tidying, I was having none of it.

So, I didn’t take my 4 year old to nursery and I didn’t wake my 9 year old for her school meeting. Instead we stayed in bed until the baby needed to get up, then we didn’t get dressed, we lounged around. I got dressed, & did a few light jobs as I moved around the rooms. Eventually, I got the girls to get dressed and do some school work but in a very relaxed way.

I’m sitting here reflecting on my morning and thinking about why on earth I was being so hard on myself, feeling like I was failing my kids & my husband because I wasn’t doing what I was ‘supposed’ to be doing – taking one child to nursery and doing a full day of school with the other, whilst also looking after the baby and doing all the house jobs I want done.

In reality, I’m up and dressed, so are my three kids. I’ve done reading and cutting activities with one child and maths with another. We’ve had breakfast and lunch, I’ve put some washing away and new washing in, put the bins out, unloaded & reloaded the dishwasher, played Minecraft with the children & looked after my baby. I feel like this is quite a successful day. Tomorrow is a new day and I can try again to do those things I’m ‘supposed’ to, but for now I’m content cuddling my baby and watching the snow fall and not settle.

The moral is we could all be a little kinder to ourselves sometimes.

Family Values

I started writing this blog in April, it is now August because for the past four months (well 9 really but we’ll say four) my life has been all consumed by suddenly being a full time worker/student/mother/wife. (Mother and wife not new but a big part of ma life.)

But since September I’ve been getting used to being in my first full time job in nearly 9 years, at the same time as being at Uni and four months ago I moved within that job very quickly. – so random side note finished and back to the point. Without my family to support me I wouldn’t have gotten through the last few months. – or years.

This picture is taken from a previous blog – that you can read here – called Value of Family, which I wrote three years ago and had forgotten about it up until today. It’s a touching tribute to my beautiful family that has only grown happier and stronger in the last three years.

However, looking back at it hasn’t stopped me from feeling like writing this blog because I feel it shall be quite different. So, read on my friends…

This blog is about the things that I feel family needs to be family. Unfortunately not all blood relations agree and hold these traits and obviously they are still family (by blood or marriage) but it’s not true family, loving caring close family. And then there are friends who become family because they do hold these traits. And those friends, we love and hold dear and never let go of.

1. Honesty – without reservation

Like when your dad asks how many Syns your doughnut is or chocolate or like any food you’re eating ever. Or when you can cancel plans or change them at the last minute and you don’t have to give any other excuse than because you forgot or can’t be bothered and it’s ok, you know you won’t be judged because you’re family.

Another thing about honesty is being able to say what you feel and not being afraid of it causing problems, being able to accept and take onboard each other’s opinions with grace and feeling. If you disagree so be it, it’s not about trying to change each other it’s about being able to get shit of your chest without fear of repercussions. Not all families have this and it is an extremely valued commodity among those I call family.

2. Laughter – ‘Oops a bit of wee came out!’

Almost the(e) most important thing. Hello f you can’t laugh with family who can you laugh with. Your husband should be the person you are most yourself around and this should make your smile and laugh so much. I was at a wedding rehearsal and I heard the Bride say, (onlooking the groom hanging out with his best men and ushers,) “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile like that.” Surely this is the most wrong thing ever! You are going to be married you should be the thing that makes him smile most in the world.

There have been so many silly laugh moments with my family, that’s what life is about, enjoying yourself.

3. Open Communication

Very close to honesty – all communication should be honest, especially with family. But this ones on here separately because it needed to be emphasised.

I appreciate good communication so much because it just makes life flow so much easier. Every part of life, work, family and friends. If you decide on the day you’re supposed to be doing something that you can’t, just let the person know, especially if those people are your family, it’s polite and they are FAMILY, they’re not going to judge or be angry they will just 100% appreciate knowing what’s going on. (*Rant over*)

Talk openly with your family, a lot of the time you might find out they feel the same or had no idea how you were feeling and are more than happy to help you out.

*also make sure you tell your Dad that your planning Father’s Day for the week after Father’s Day.

4. Actions

Be there, do things, don’t say things, show up, on time, on the right day. It’s not hard most people reading this do it everyday to go to work. But I’m going to hazard a guess that most of those same people wouldn’t consider work more important than family. Therefore it shouldn’t be more difficult to make time for family than it is for work. Some people will, at this point, be saying that your family will understand that you don’t have time, and yes they will, for a while.

If you didn’t read the pervious blog I linked to earlier now is a good time ^

It does talk about my feeling in actions speak louder than words and I don’t feel like writing it all again.

So that’s all now folks, these four things = (my) Family Values.

Does depressed breed depressed?

Something I’ve been musing about for a while really.

And now is a time when it is much easier to research and find out about because of mental health being a much more widely looked at and understood thing.

My mother was first diagnosed with depression as post natal depression after she had children. It then ‘went away’ and it wasn’t until much later in life she was considered for anti-depressants again.

I too was diagnosed with post natal depression after my first child and chose to stop breastfeeding (after a breakdown in the Drs about how I would be letting everyone down if I stopped, because it was best for my daughter even though I hated it) so that I could start antidepressants. However, when I look back on my life now I feel like my depression started much earlier than this. It just wasn’t really picked up on, maybe because my parents didn’t know much about it, maybe because I didn’t know anything about it, maybe because I hid it well at school/ university. But as I – and a lot more adults now – are so much more aware of our own mental health we are also more capable of viewing our children’s mental health.

I sometimes think that I actually overthink my daughters mental health issues, which as her mother would not be a surprise, but and it’s a big BUT, I have found it best to discuss it with the school or the dr or friends, no matter how little my concern may be it doesn’t hurt to discuss it and see if it is in fact a larger concern that needs addressing and the more people on board to support our children the better.

My daughter is a lot like me, at school she comes across as a completely happy, confident and content child, not in the need of any extra mental support, at home on the other hand, she shows lots of depressive traits, she’s early hormonal, sensitive, angry and a lot of the time confused by it all because she is still a child. Her school wouldn’t know anything about this side of her if I didn’t speak to them, and because they do her teacher is aware and supportive and her school offer her pastoral care, a safe space to talk if needed. She might not ever choose to share in that safe space but she enjoys the mental support it gives.

“Scientists have for the first time established a genetic cause for depression narrowing it down to a specific chromosome,” reported The Independent . It said that the study has found “clear evidence” that a region on chromosome 3 (called 3p25-26) is linked to severe recurrent depression. – Analysis by Bazian,
Edited by NHS Website, 2011

Just a small excerpt from the billions of online research you could spend hours trawling through. I would say there isn’t 100% a definitive scientific answer, (Contradictory to the above quote.) because depression can be so much to do with environment but definitely in my family at least I see a clear pattern in that we seem more likely to suffer from depression, therefore may all carry some gene that can be passed on. I’m hoping that as life continues and we learn more about mental health we will learn how to catch it and cope with it early. Not to boast but so far I feel like my little family has coped extremely well with a lot of crap that’s been dealt to us, so suffering from mental health issues but being able to cope AND help each other cope is no big thing.

In the beginning…

So Thursday this week marked one week into my £’s for lbs journey. I went the the meeting on Thursday feeling fairly content: I’d raised nearly £130; I’d eaten quite well; I’d been to the gym twice and out for a long walk once; I’d drunk lots of water and coped with my first week back at work. I was fairly confident that getting back on the scales I was going to see at least a 3lb loss and be very pleased with it.

I did not … I saw a 1lb 4oz loss and I felt disappointed. 😣 but it only took a few minutes of chatting to the other amazing participants to make me feel better again. A loss is a loss and it might be more next week and I just have to try a bit harder. I think I fell down a little with chocolate and fizzy drinks so I’m going to make sure I don’t do that this week and we’ll see how it goes!

It’s not been an easy ride.. I’m wouldn’t usually class myself a fussy eater but with this low GL diet I feel like one. I don’t enjoy a huge amount of veg and don’t eat mushrooms or tomatoes. I like food and want to enjoy what I’m eating so I’m working hard to find something that works for me. I’ve done slimming world before (which worked well for me) so I’m trying out a cross between the two and hoping I can find a new healthy eating lifestyle that isn’t a drag.

Rather than writing a list of what I’ve been eating though here’s a screenshot of my Instagram page. I try to upload everyday, the aim initially was every meal but when at work or out and about I’m not the kind of person that can get my phone out and snap my food, I think it just looks a bit weird!

I’m definitely feeling healthier already and happier. So I’m feeling fairly positive about continuing. There is going to be a focus on fundraising soon which will be great because that is something I was nervous about.

Raising £400 is not going to be easy, I feel so blessed with the response to my birthday fundraiser which got me to where I am. I have a few plans for a car boot sale, and my mum is going to arrange a coffee & waffle morning for me, I’ll join in everything I can that the Peace Hospice Care organises for us. They really are an amazing support.

So from here I am just hoping for another (possible bigger 🤞🏻) loss next week!

If you fancy sponsoring me and supporting Peace Hospice Care you can do so here.

Thank you 🙏🏻

Strangers

Recently, a wonderful friend and colleague of mine shared a blog post asking for “Letters to strangers” (You can read the blog Letters from a stranger here, and have a look around the rest of the blog Finding Cyril to find out more about this truly amazing woman!)

The idea is to write an uplifting letter that can then be given out to support cancer patients, to help them feel supported and comforted and thought of. It’s such a fantastic idea! To think that someone is thinking of you, that you don’t even know, someone you’ve never met and may never meet cares enough to write to you to show their support and attempt to cheer you up! That is amazing. And I was definitely going to be a part of it.

So I started writing, and it didn’t seem to go that well. It just didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to unload my social awkwardness onto a stranger, I wanted to make them feel comfortable.

But the fact of it is, I DO find meeting new people hard, I come across often as shy, and I get nervous when approaching new people to speak to. But this doesn’t come across when you’re writing because you don’t have to physically see who is reading (and dare I say judging *wince*) your work. I don’t know if you’re reading this and more often than not whether you liked it or hated it, and that’s what makes it easy to write.

[*Random side thought* A lot of people would say they don’t judge it but those people would be liars, it is only natural for us to judge everything we read and see, hear, touch and smell, for we wouldn’t be able to have our own opinions if we didn’t and that would make life boring and a little pointless.]

To be frank, because I know I’m not going to find out if people didn’t really like my blog post it makes it easier to put it out there, most of the time this is one of the safest platforms to express yourself where the majority of readers that feel compelled to comment are nice people. Cyber bullying is to a minimum here. (Thank goodness!)

So I managed to write an appropriate letter that I hope has bought someone, somewhere, a moment of joy in a difficult time. I know that I’ll be making a habit of it if Finding Cyril repeat it yearly. It’s not too late for you to join me …

go on …

you know you should…

😄

To tidy or not to tidy – I’d rather be judged on my untidy house than miss my babies development

(And lets be honest if the person judging your house is a parent them-self, they’ll understand the mess!)

When I had my first daughter, 6 years ago, I was 23 and 4 months in started to show obvious (so my mother tells me) signs of not coping. Apparently calling your mum in tears more than once a week isn’t normal, even for a new mum. My depression seemed to be based upon my lack of time to do things like housework, or eating/ cleaning and generally anything other than look after the baby. I didn’t begrudge the baby for it, I blamed myself.

If I couldn’t look after this tiny sleepy baby AND do all my regular householdy jobs I must be a total failure.

⏩⏩⏩ fast forward 6 years to child number 2. 29 year old mother (wiser from years of practice) a pro at multi-tasking by this time. And could I keep on to of householdy chores while having a baby? NO. But could I give a fuck this time round? NO.

And there’s the difference between 1st and 2nd time mum. I know now that the housework can wait, it’s not going anywhere. But if I do that and miss the precious development of my little girl, I’d feel guilty forever. They grow and change so quickly I’d much rather savour every moment and have a messy house than spend my time stressed because my baby is crying and I’m too busy to play with her.

I for one would much rather have a happy, confident, bright baby than a tidy house. I’m just a bit sad no one told me this before I had my first baby, luckily she turned out amazing even if I did drive myself insane thinking I had to keep everything together!

Too busy for inspiration…

My blog has seriously been on the back burner recently, especially since I went back to work.

And that’s not because there isn’t anything going on worth writing about, it’s because I’m simply not having the time to sit and think about it, or when the inspiration does come I don’t have anything to write it down with and then I get busy and forget again.

I recently had a conversation with my husband about what may help us to be more mentally healthy, we both listed off a dozen things that we would like to do… then there was just one issue, time.

Or lack of.

You see once we’re home from work and school, everyone’s had dinner, bathed, bedtime for child one, quality time with child 2, bedtime for child 2, up and down the stairs several times for child 1’s feeds & child 2’s “I’m not sleepy!” fights, that’s it I’m done… my bedtime. So when do we fit in our own stuff?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to use my knowledge of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to plan out our complete lives, and although it seems drastic I’m hoping it will lead to better mental health for the whole family.

The whole point in CBT is planning to achieve, and the idea is once you achieve your goals, starting small, you will start to feel better as you are accomplishing your goals. This has been something that worked for me in the past and helped me quickly move on from postnatal depression with my first child.

The first step to take is to make some lists;

• things you have to do (i.e. Washing up, laundry, hoovering)

• things you would like to do (i.e. Going to the gym, reading, knitting)

• necessary but difficult things (i.e. The monthly budget, making phone calls)

Next step is the sort these things into 3 catagories; easy to achieve, medium difficulty and hard to achieve.

Now comes the final (and tricky) part, planning your next week including these things. (Hint: if some of the tasks seem to huge, break them down into smaller tasks to do over a few weeks.)

I usually start by adding in the things you can’t change, for example work, school or any appointment you have scheduled. Then add in some of your easy tasks that you have to do like laundry, as they don’t take long they can easily be fitted around things. Then move onto some of your more difficult tasks. I make sure I get be myself timeslots for each thing and if after the time it’s not finished I can move on and finish it another time or finish it then if I don’t have anything more important to do. 

At the moment I have only ever done this for myself and not the entire family, (hence why I am procrastinating writing this blog instead of getting on with it!) I imagine this will be quite a lot harder but I’m up for the challenge. Here is a glimpse of one completed a few years ago that shows roughly how I fill it in. 

I may edit this post adding my complete family plan if I’m brave enough when it’s done, please comment if you’d be interested in seeing it. 

 

Getting physical, with mental illness 

“I’m so nervous, I think I’m going to be sick.”

So I created this blog on the 23rd March, it’s now the 21st April and I’m yet to actually write anything in it. I think this is partially because the subject is quite raw for me at the moment, putting it down might be too hard, or just that I don’t know yet how to express it in the right way for the blog. 

I will get there though… and soon.

Or … not so soon! 

It’s now the 11th May and still no further progress. To be honest I feel like that’s because between march & now I had been doing ok, mentally. I kind of knew what I wanted to write but couldn’t quite articulate it. However, this week things have shifted slightly and I’m beginning to feel that I may finally be able to finish this! 

Fast forward until the end of May:

In no way do any of my opinions throughout this blog go for everyone suffering from mental illnesses, I am certainly not throwing a blanket over all, but I also know many will feel the way I do & people so often don’t t realise the physical toll mental illnesses can have on people. 

In a previous blog (The shadow that has been following me) I referred to my mental illness, depression, as a shadow which implies a physical form of some such. I feel like sometimes people who don’t suffer from mental illness themselves don’t really understand and think we choose to be this way, that it’s just something we could decide not to have. I ask those people, can you decide not to have a headache? Or a panic attack? Can you decide not to put on weight if you eat too much? No, and we can’t decide the just stop feeling the way we do either.

Depression and anxiety can, for some people, make the world look a much more dreary place, quite literally as if there were a film over your eyes, colours seem dim, movements seem slow, sounds muffled. It’s hard to imagine this happening (outside of television) if it hasn’t happened to you, but consider this did happen to you, how easy would you find it to function normally in society? Not easy, not easy at all. 

Throughout my whole life my mental health has always affected my physical health. In primary school I was a “worrier,” quite literally everything worried me, I lost a new pen one day (a purple fountain pen with a picture of Tweety Pie from Looney Tunes on it) and decided it was better to run away from home than to face telling my parents, (quite crazy I know!) I feel like I worried so much I actually made myself physically ill. For example, on a school trip I didn’t go to the toilet because I was too worried to tell the teachers that they needed to take me back to the toilets, (we were on a 7 mile walk so this was more of an inconvenience than it sounds!) I ended up with a lot of tummy problems and had to be put on tablets and got given a Drs note to say I was allowed to leave the classroom to drink during lesson time. (Showing my age there, as this is common practice now but it wasn’t when I was at school!) 

Recently, life has been a struggle and mentally I have broken down since the loss of our daughter and I have noticed considerably the physical toll this has had on me, headaches, exhaustion, back spasms and nausea. Since my wedding nearly four years ago I have had some acne rosacea on one cheek that the Dr said can be caused by stress. 

I believe these physical symptoms are there for a reason to try and get you to notice something is not right and do something about it, but most of the time it just adds to the depression. People don’t really understand yet how much of a toll mental illnesses can have on your body, but think about it your brain/mind controls your entire body so of course if something isn’t right up there, we should expect a knock on effect throughout the rest of your body. 

I don’t understand people who are so set against medication to help with mental illness, but I guess those people who don’t believe it’s needed have never truly suffered from severe mental health issues. There is a chemical imbalance causing mood swings in a lot of people that suffer mental illness so the medicine that can neutralise the imbalance doesn’t get rid of the depression but can help people to cope with day to day life. Which is enough for the person that then function normally and work on getting better. If you hurt your back or break your arm you go to the Dr or hospital first and get medication before physical therapy to heal the problem, there is no shame in doing the same for your brain. 

3 strikes and you’re out

How do you know when a friendship is over? What if one friend doesn’t see it? How do you end a friendship?

My younger sister once offered me some wise advice, she said that she uses a three strikes and you’re out policy with her friends, they let her down three times and she will no longer bother with them. This is definitely a good rule to live by. 

I had a friend, in primary school we used to hang around together just the two of us, there weren’t many girls in the class and my other friends (whom you may call the popular girls) didn’t get along with this particular friend. But I stuck by her. We went to different secondary schools but stayed in touch, she was really the only one from primary school that I always kept in contact with. She was like a boomerang she just kept coming back. We were best/longest friends, destined to be each other’s bridesmaids and grow old together. 

Only as the years passed I started to notice the friendship becoming a little one sided, we always said we were there for each other. I matter what, but as time went on I noticed it was more I was there for her, but when I needed her she was not around. 

Examples; it was her 17th birthday, we were going for a meal in town & although I didn’t really know any of her friends and I couldn’t get a lift home, I wouldn’t miss it & she promised me a lift back with her. When I got there plans had changed and someone else had my space, so I had to try and make other plans, my older sister was out with the car so my parents couldn’t come, I had been chatting to a friend and mentioned I didn’t know what to do and he offered me a lift home. In hindsight I should’ve known better but I was young and naive so I accepted, not having known him all that long. Long story short, that was the night I was raped.

Now in no way do I blame my friend but what I did find a little insensitive was the following year, when she decided to hold her birthday at the same place on the same day and expect me to come. Being the friend I am I did, birthday cake in hand, her having made the same promise as the year before that I would be able to get home with her. Low and behold when I got there it was the same as the previous year, I had let her know I wasn’t keen but I didn’t want to let her down. She didn’t seem to notice she was letting me down. – Strike one

We remained friends though, I was always still there whenever she needed me. I do admit I had notice that when we talked everything was about her, she had an amazing talent to turn any topic of conversation back to something about herself. 

Years later, I got engaged and was planning my wedding, save the dates went out quite early and she was one of the first to get one. We’d dreamed about being at each other’s weddings for years. 

Then one day at work I got a text saying she wasn’t going to be able to come to my wedding, any of it. Because she was going to creamfields festival and had to travel down on that day. She got the tickets after my save the date but had lost it! Even after me telling her how upset I was and asking couldn’t she go the following day or even later in the day she didn’t change her plans. Then she only came to half my hen do because she can’t eat wheat and the first half was cupcake decorating, I know she couldn’t eat the cakes but that wouldn’t stop her decorating them. – Strike two

Once again I moved passed it, life went on and we stayed in touch. Nothing really changed. Three years later when trying for a second child I had a miscarriage, I reached out to her on the day I went into hospital for medical management. Really needing a friend. I heard nothing back until two weeks later when all I got was a generic forwarded Facebook message. I was so upset, I just couldn’t believe after all we had been through together she could ignore this, I thought maybe she would contact me and apologise with an explanation but nothing. – Strike three

These are the three main things but there were many more throughout our friendship. 

At this stage I decided I would just not contact her and if she contacted me I’d ignore it. This didn’t really work because eventually she started to text a lot, then ring, then leave messages saying she was worried. So it came to a point that I had to tell her. 

I was pregnant again, at this stage nobody new but I decided to send her a text letting her know how I felt and that I didn’t want to be hurt anymore so I was essentially ending the friendship and she wouldn’t hear from me again. I then deleted & blocked her number and blocked her from any social media. 

This seemed so harsh to me and it was such an upsetting thing to have to do, I still feel guilty about it now. I don’t think I’ll ever feel good about it. But at the end of it all, I had to think about my own emotions and happiness. 

When you are going through tough situations you don’t need the added stress of a friend that is supposed to be supportive being missing. And there’s only so many dinners you can go to and listen to all their issues and every time you bring something up they manage to bring it back to them. 

If you have friends like this but you are a nice person the strikes system is good to use. You have given them a fair chance, just make sure you are always honest with your friend so they know where they stand. 

Unfortunately some people are so wrapped up in themselves they won’t notice if you are hurt or disappointed, so you have to let it be known.

Your life is about you being happy and you need people around you who are going to be an aid not a hindrance. 

The shadow that has been following me

Depression… Not something that is hugely talked about but it is becoming something that more and more people are aware of.

When I think back through my life I realise it has been around me pretty much my entire life. I just didn’t notice it. Which is something I think probably happens to a lot of people, take a moment, think about everyone you know, chances are one of them is probably suffering it or supporting someone that is.

I do both.

When I was in primary school, I was what you can describe as a worrier. Now it might be classed as anxiety but at the time it wasn’t really looked at like that, or not explained to me like it. I would work myself into a state about things I was worried about, which led to crying, stomach pains, or on one occasion deciding my only option was not to go home and to wander the streets on my own. – for fear of having to tell my parents I lost a pen. Now when I think about it the main thing I feel is sympathy for my poor parents, and my behavior changed as I got older but not necessarily for the better until after I was 18.

In university, I’m pretty sure I was quite depressed, but Doctors never picked up on it, there replies were to just get on with it, make myself get up and proceed with normal life. Easier said than done to someone with depression, luckily I had amazing housemates, one of whom took it upon himself to come and stand outside my door banging and shouting at me until I got up and ready to go in.

Things seemed to look up for me after I (re)met my (now) husband. It wasn’t until we had out first child, when she was four months I chose to stop breast feeding to go on anti-depressants. This was after my mother had advised me that the amount of time I was spending crying was not normal and there was no harm in asking for help. I felt like I was letting my husband and daughter down by saying I didn’t want to breast feed anymore, but no one actually saw it that way except me. My depression had nothing to do with my feelings for or relationship with my daughter it was all about not coping with anything else in life except her, she was amazing and quite possibly the only thing keeping me sane.

That was the beginning of a journey that I’m still on. On and off of anti depressants, up and down in mood and weight, finding out much about myself and struggling to feel like ‘me’ again.

My mum has a history of depression, so can relate to everything I go through, however she also suffer(s/ed) from a fear of travelling. This is not a condition that is easily explained, a mental illness with extremely physical symptoms. People always assume “oh a fear of flying,” or ask “what caused it?”  It wasn’t a fear of flying because the same symptoms would occur going on holiday in this country or at its worst during the summer because it was associated with holidays. There was no specific event that led to it suddenly occurring, all we could figure is that it developed through years of childhood holidays with 5 people and luggage squashed into a mini, and a couple of unfortunate events during trips abroad. Symptoms could start up to 2 weeks prior to the planned trip and could consist of nausea, panic attacks, bloating and sickness.

Watching your mother go through this and not being able to really comfort her is very hard but not being able to fully understand it is even harder. It’s impossible to convince someone you love that a holiday is not as important to you as their health and happiness. Our last attempt at a family trip abroad ended with us on the plane and mum being picked up from the airport, we had all offered to stay but mum insisted we go. Dad pretty much let us do whatever we wanted on that holiday and bought us loads of gifts. It was the only time I’ve ever seen him cry, well we could tell after he’d spoken to mum on the phone he had cried but no one said anything about it. When we got home mum had bought us gifts and we couldn’t give her the gift we bought her because it would’ve upset her too much.

The best way to cope with mum when she was having an ‘attack’ would pretty much be to treat her like a child, be very strict, give clear instructions of what she needed to do. Remind her to breathe and stay calm and collected yourself. Not something a lot of people have to experience when it comes to their parents.

Grant (my husband) is my rock, without him I’m not sure how my life would’ve turned out but I can’t imagine it any other way. He supports me and I support him. I knew from early on in our relationship that he suffered from dramatic mood swings and anger issues. It was never particularly easy to get him to talk about it though. Through our relationship we’ve both had ups and downs and supported each other through it. I pushed him to keep going to the Doctors until we found the right one to help him. At one stage they thought he was bipolar which made a lot of sense, but after we saw the lady for that referral she simply dismissed him because he didn’t fit the textbook she was reading from. This was quite a disappointment because to him it felt like a step back.

Grant has really opened up to me and come along way, but supporting someone going through depression and anxiety issues when you yourself are suffering is not easy, there have been times I wanted to just give up, and I thought what will be will be, but our love for each other has always pulled us through. Our ability to finally say exactly how we are feeling so the other one can understand and do what is needed of them to make it work.

I come to the end of what has been my longest post yet, it’s taken a while to write and I’m still not sure it’s perfect. But the gist of it is there. Generally I am a happy person and I have a happy family, but this is because we can be honest about our imperfections. Depression and anxiety is not always visible but it’s always there, love each other hard and accept all the moods you both have.